The Dangers of Dating A Vampire
by wantmywifeback
Summary: True love is hard. True love with a vampire is even harder. Please abide by guidelines for adult content readership. I do not encourage under-age readers. Please read my profile for update on search for wife.
1. Chapter 1

**All characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Some canon quotes are used in this story, out of context. No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended.**

_A/N: Please check out my profile for more information and updates on my status

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"Oh, Bella," Edward groaned. He pressed his hard cock into her soft, warm body.

Bella hissed and tensed, gulping a deep breath at his enormous size. She froze beneath him tense and anxious. He expected this. He waited for her body to relax. And waited.

And waited.

Concerned, he pulled back a little. She gasped painfully.

"Bella?" he whispered, questioning.

"You're so hard," she breathed.

Edward's smile was smug. He pressed his smiling lips to her neck, happy with his sexual prowess. When he shifted his weight to press into her again, she stopped him.

"No, Edward, I mean you're hard. You're a stone and I'm chafing!"


	2. Chapter 2

**All characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Some canon quotes are used in this story, out of context. No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended.**

_A/N: Please check out my profile for more information and updates on my status

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Bella spotted Edward sitting beside the river behind his family's home. From across the yard, Edward looked upset with his knees tucked close to his chest quietly watching the water slide by.

"Edward?" Bella asked tentatively. "Are you okay?"

Edward shook his head.

"You're mad because I asked your family to vote on me becoming one of you," she said.

"I'm... Bella, I don't want that," Edward whispered.

"But why? I love you. You love me!" Bella looked nervous. "You do love me, right?"

Stunned, Edward turned his head. "What? Of course I do. That's why I want you to remain human! So I can love you!"

"I don't understand," Bella answered.

"I want to... to... you know," he said embarassed.

"You want to what?" Bella asked, just not getting it.

"I want to make love to you!" Edward said loudly.

Laughter erupted from the house as every vampire heard him.

Bella grinned. "That's what I want, too!" she said happily.

"But I can't do that if you become a vampire," he said earnestly.

"What? Why not?"

"Because... because..." Edward stammered. "Because, we..."

"What?" Bella insisted on knowing.

"Well, we're made of stone," he tried to explain.

"So?"

"And the only way to kill us is to set us on fire."

Bella felt she was being more than patient. "So?" she insisted again.

"If you're a vampire, too, when we'd make love, we'd make sparks and burst into flames!"


	3. Chapter 3

**All characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Some canon quotes are used in this story, out of context. No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended.**

_A/N: Please check out my profile for more information and updates on my status

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The winter mountain wind battered at their tent, just as it had the night they fought Victoria's newborn army. There were no outsiders in the tent with them this time, though.

"But I have enough blankets this time," Bella said convincingly.

"My body is simply too cold," Edward insisted. "It wouldn't be any fun for you."

She tugged on his cold hand. "Let me be the judge of that. Besides, the activity alone would warm me up."

Bella leaned back and pulled Edward with her.

Careful not to touch her too much, he aroused her with light touches to her boobs, her hips and her thighs. Goosebumps highlighted the lines he drew on her skin.

Bella spread her legs, inviting him. She jumped when he kissed the inside of her thigh. She raised her hips, groaning for him.

Edward flattened his tongue over her clit, and knew something was very wrong.

"Oh, Edward," she moaned.

"O-nno," he said through his open mouth. "Della...?"

"Edward?" she whispered, moving slightly. She felt a tinge in her netherparts as Edward's hands clamped her hips still.

"Oont Doov!" he grunted. "Thagpole! Thagpole!"

"Edward, what...??"

"M'thtuck!" he whimpered.


	4. Chapter 4

**All characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Some canon quotes are used in this story, out of context. No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended.**

_A/N: Please check out my profile for more information and updates on my status

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I need your mouth on me, Bella," Edward breathed. "I need it now."

"Turn off the headlights this time," she told him.

Edward rolled his eyes, then remembered how it had killed the mood and shrugged as he clicked them off.

She had a saucy look in her eyes as she slowly unbuttoned his 501s. His eyes smoldered back into hers as he lifted his hips so she could pull the offending denim away.

Bella licked her lips. Edward shuddered.

She lowered her mouth to his cock, dragging her tongue across the head. Edward moaned.

She used the tip of tongue to delve along the sensitive groove. Edward groaned.

She slowly lowered her mouth over his length, flattening her tongue onto his shaft and sucked hard. Edward cried out and jerked his hips forward without thinking.

CRACK.

Bella stifled a surprised cry, pulling away from him quickly. Her fingers were stuffed into her mouth.

"Oh my God! Bella! I'm so sorry! Are you okay??" Edward exclaimed, mortified.

"Uu chipped mah tooff!" she said, muffled around her fingers.


	5. Chapter 5

**All characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Some canon quotes are used in this story, out of context. No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended.**

_A/N: Please check out my profile for more information and updates on my status

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Bella pressed herself against his back, her warm soft boobs smashing against his cool skin. "I want to touch you," she whispered, her voice was hot in his ear. "Please, Edward."

Against his better judgment, he guided her hands around his waist, lowering her fingers to his belt. With a jangle of metal and the hiss of a zipper, she was able to press his pants and shorts down below his hips. His rod of steel stood proud and ready. Bella's hands were hot and hungry for him, wrapping around his Johnson in a grip that would have made a mortal man cringe.

"Oh, Bella," he groaned.

"Yes," she hissed into his ear again, pumping him slowly at first.

"Tighter," he encouraged her. When she grabbed him like she was squeezing the last of the toothpaste from the tube, he finally groaned in utter ecstacy. "OH, GOD! YES!"

"More?" she asked.

"Yes!" he groaned.

"Faster?" she asked.

"YES!" he moaned, and gasped. "Oh, God, Bella! I'm coming! I'm coming!!"

His release shot from his body. One furious stream stripped paint off the wall, gouging out the plaster. The second burst knocked over a lamp across the room. The third exploded through her window, shattering glass and killing a squirrel that was foolishly watching them from the tree outside.

Bella watched the destruction from over his shoulder and froze. Her mouth hanging open like a trout.

Edward's face winced, contrite. "Oops."


	6. Chapter 6

**All characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Some canon quotes are used in this story, out of context. No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended.**

_A/N: Please check out my profile for more information and updates on my status

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I wanted to let folks know that I'm going to be making one last ditch attempt to woo the wife back from wherever she's wandered off to with her nose stuck to a story of Edward's glittering schlong.

My last story will also be a selfish effort to help the island people of Haiti who are...

...pretty much living my current lifestyle  
...also against their wishes  
...wearing the same clothes as me  
...smelling just as lovely  
...without the help of a decent Jameson to ease their suffering

I say this is selfish because I'm going to move there. I figure if I move there, I won't stand out so badly and my neighbors there won't look at me funny. I'll be just like everybody else. So the sooner the Haitians get back on their feet, the better. I'll consider it my future home improvement. The wife always wanted to live on an island, so we'll see what happens.

So look for my last story which will be for the Haiti Relief Twi FanFic Authors Compilation. For all you folks who offered me food and clothing, you can still help me if the offer is still good. Just help the Haitians. You can learn more about it here:

http (stacked periods) (whack whack) mskathyff (dot) blogspot (dot)

Once I get to Haiti, I probably won't have internet access any more, so this will be my last story. So long and thanks for all the fish.

Seriously.

Whoever left the basket of rotting fish on my porch? Thanks. It's improved the smell in the house dramatically. I have a question though. Are there other fragrances? I was thinking "Backed up toilet" or maybe "Stinking corpse" might be a good change.


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